Debra Grace Khattab, Writer & Folksinger

Bad Jokes & Puns, Kid's Jokes at end

Ken Siegel:

Bad jokes are better, if it was a good joke, it wouldn't be as funny

Remember, forest fires prevent bears!

Do wizard's computers have spell-checkers?

Electronic puns: What is a transistor? A girl who was once your brother.

Debra Grace Khattab:

(winning fish pun, Callahan's Bar pun contest, Delphi)

I can lob/sterner stuff than that.

"If a person who commits felony is a felon, and a person who commits gluttony is a glutton, then God is an iron" -Spider Robinson

"Stress: The confusion created when one's mind overides the body's basic desire to choke the living shit out of some idiot who desperately deserves it."

 

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

 

And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

 

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him -- A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

 Twas the Night of Thanksgiving

With apologies to Clement C. Moore, author of 'A Visit From St. Nicholas'

'Twas the night of Thanksgiving, But I just couldn't sleep.

I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep

The leftovers beckoned --- The dark meat and white,

But I fought the temptation with all of my might.

 

Tossing and turning with anticipation

The thought of a snack became infatuation.

So I raced to the kitchen, Flung open the door,

And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore.

 

I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,

Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.

I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,

Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground !!

 

I crashed through the ceiling. Floating into the sky,

With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie,

But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees ... Happy eating to all! (Pass the cranberries, please)

Perspective

An English professor wrote the words, "A woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing." 

 

Newspaper Bloopers

Here are a few genuine news bloopers gleaned from American newspapers. These were taken from an article by Richard Lederer, author of "Anguished English."

- On behalf of Barbara Rutledge and her family, our sincere thanks go out to those sending flowers, cards and contributing to the death of her husband.

- The airplane was only a few feet from the ground when it crashed, witnesses said.

- With the exception of victimless crimes (which need not concern us here), every single crime committed in this nation of ours involves a victim.

- Chairman Billings asked Board members to muster support from parent-teacher groups to support the governor's task force on driving while intoxicated.

- Montreal police don't hesitate to use whatever laws, regulations or persuasion they feel they need to control morality in the city and prevent it from getting a foothold.

- A college friendship that began a year ago ended in matrimony yesterday.

 

"Germany is filing a war crimes lawsuit against Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld for allegedly allowing the torture of prisoners in Iraq and Guantanamo Bay. Man, that's when you know you've crossed the line -- when Germans are accusing you of war crimes." --Jay Leno

 

"Political analysts are saying that the Democratic victories in Tuesday's elections were a referendum on President Bush's handling of the war in Iraq and various congressional scandals, as well as the environment, the economy, wiretapping, torture, Katrina, military tribunals, illegal immigration, Osama's continued freedom, Kyoto, abortion rights, the national debt, SARS, the XFL and the death of Mr. Ecko." --Seth Meyers

 

"I don't want to say that George Bush is a lame duck, but this morning, Cheney shot him." --Bill Maher

 

"President Bush, on Wednesday, held a news conference where he vowed to work with the new Democratic majority. Which, if true, can only mean one thing -- the Democrats have a nuclear bomb." --Amy Poehler

 

 What Acronyms Really Mean

ISDN = It Still Does Nothing

APPLE = Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

IBM = I Blame Microsoft

DEC = Do Expect Cuts

CA = Constant Acquisitions

CD-ROM = Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2 = Obsolete Soon, Too.

SCSI = System Can't See It

DOS = Defunct Operating System

BASIC = Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

WWW = World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH = Most Applications Crash; If Not, The OS Hangs 

 

Hunting Flies

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting Flies," he responded.

"Oh!, Killed any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

 

 Regular Consumption of Guinness

Well now, you see it's like this....

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the rear that are killed. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because only the fittest survive thus improving the general health and speed of the entire herd.

In much the same way the human brain only operates as quickly as the slowest of it's brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells, as we all know, and naturally the alcohol attacks the slowest/weakest cells first....

So it is as plain as the nose on your face that regular consumption of Guinness will eliminate the weaker, slower brain cells thus leaving the remaining cells the best in the brain.

The end result, of course, is a faster more efficient brain.

If you doubt this at all, tell me, isn't it true that we always feel a bit smarter after a few pints?

 

To the Engineer

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

 

  Locked Car

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

"Do you need some help?" I asked.

She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car.

"Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno," she replied.

"Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

 

Good Pedigree

The lil' Columbia, Maryland Yuppette was shopping in an upscale pet center. "I want a dog of which I can be proud," she told the salesman. "Does that one have a good pedigree?"

"Miss," declared the clerk, "if she could speak, she wouldn't talk to either one of us."

 

 Mrs. O'Connor Divorce

"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"

"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Sure now, we only have a carport."

The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"

"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "I'm always first out of bed."

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?"

"Sure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial."

Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."

"Bless you, sir. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."

"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"

"Ah, well now," said the lady, "Sure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation." 

 

One Way Trip to Mars

NASA was interviewing professionals they were thinking of sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one-way trip, the guy not ever returning to Earth.

The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater--Rice University."

The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question. "Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer." 

 

Arresting Mom

A police recruit was asked on an exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

In the blank, he wrote, "Call for backup."

 

 A Dollar Per Point

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.

 

 French Toast

The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said, "I would like to know two things: First: Why did you revolt? Second: How did you get out of your cell?"

One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful."

"I see. And what did you use to break the bars?" the warden asked.

Replied the spokesman, "French Toast..."

 

 Violin Practice

Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den.

The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"

 

 Pet Care

Customer service representatives answer straightforward pet care and nutrition questions, however some calls can be quite unconventional as follows:

"My cat just came in from the garage and I was wondering...how many calories are in a mouse?"

"I have a neutered male cat. How old should he be before I can breed him?"

"What should I feed a borderline collie?"

"What size litter box do I need to keep my cat comfy?"

"Is it normal for a dog to shed?"

"How can I keep my cat from stealing my husband's toothbrush?"

"My cat passed a stool on the indoor rug and it's stuck in the vacuum cleaner. Any suggestions?"

"How can I get the secret recipe for your special dog food?"

"How do I stop my cat from giving food to the dog?"

"Your food turned my dog into a stud. Now what do I do?"

"Do you know how to toilet train a cat?"

"I have three cats. Is it true that a special brand of cat food makes the poop smell better?"

"Will chewing pop cans remove enamel from my puppy's teeth?"

"Where can I get a six-toed cat?"

 

Q: How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling?

A: She's got that down in the mouth look!

 

Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a canary?

A: A peeping tom!

 

Q: How does a lion greet the other animals in the field?

A: 'Pleased to eat you.'!

 

Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a snowman?

A: Frostbite!

 

Q: What is a French cat's favorite pudding?

A: Chocolate mousse!

 For The Kids...

What was Camelot?

A place where people parked their camels!

 

Who gave the Liberty Bell to Philadelphia?

Must have been a duck family

A duck family?

Didn't you say there was a quack in it!

 

An ideal homework excuse

Teacher: Where is your homework?

Pupil: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren't the best teacher in the school

 

What do you call a ghost's mother and father?

Transparents!

 

What did the doctor say to the witch in hospital?

With any luck you'll soon be well enough to get up for a spell!

 

What is the difference between a mosquito and a fly?

Try sewing buttons on a mosquito!

 

What do you get if you cross the Lone Ranger with an insect?

The Masked-quito!

 

What has antlers and sucks blood?

A moose-quito!

 

What is a mosquito's favorite sport?

Skin-diving!

 

What's the difference between a lawyer and a mosquito?

A mosquito drops off you when you die!

 

Why are mosquitos religious?

They prey on you!

 

How do you cure a headache?

Put your head through a window and the pane will just disappear!

 

What did one virus say to another?

Stay away! I think I've got penicillin!

 

What happens when plumbers die?

They go down the drain!

 

Who are some of the werewolves cousins?

The whatwolves and whenwolves!

 

What do you do if you see a skeleton running across a road?

Jump out of your skin and join him!

 

If you want to know more about Dracula what do you have to do?

Join his fang club!

 

How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?

He could feel it in his bones!

 

Where do ghost trains stop?

At devil crossings!

 

How does a witch-doctor ask a girl to dance?

''Voodoo like to dance with me!

 

Waiter, this soup tastes funny?

Then why aren't you laughing!

 

What do you get if you cross a US President with a shark?

Jaws Washington!

 

Why do you keep doing the backstroke?

I've just had lunch and don't want to swim on a full stomach!

 

How do we know that Joan of Arc was French?

She was maid in France!

 

Why did the clock get sick?

It was run down!

 

Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at Fred's test paper.

Pupil: I hope you didn't see me either!

 

Teacher: You copies from Fred's exam paper didn't you?

Pupil: How did you know?

Teacher: Fred's paper says "I don't know" and you have put "Me, neither"!

 

What was Camelot famous for?

It's knight life!

 

When were King Arthur's army too tired to fight?

When they had lots of sleepless knights!

 

Q: What is a polygon?

A: A dead parrot!

 

Q: What flies through the jungle singing opera?

A: The parrots of Penzance!

 

Q: What do you get if you cross a duck with a firework?

A: A firequaker!

 

Q: What is a parrot's favorite game?

A: Hide and Speak!

 

Q: Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?

A: Because she wanted to be a Polly unsaturated!

 

Q: What did the gamekeeper say to the lord of the manor?

A: 'The pheasants are revolting'!

 

Q: What is the definition of Robin?

A: A bird who steals!

 

Q: When is the best time to buy budgies?

A: When they're going cheap!

Why did the toad become a lighthouse keeper?

He had his own frog horn!

 

Where do you get frogs eggs?

At the spawn shop!

 

What's a toads favorite sweet?

Lollihops!

 

What do you call a frog spy?

A croak and dagger agent!

 

What kind of tiles can't you stick on walls?

Reptiles!

 

Where do ants go to eat?

At a restaurant!

 

What kind of ants are very learned?

Pedants!

 

What do you call a smart ant?

Elegant!

 

What do you call an ant who can't play the piano?

Discordant!

 

What kind of ant is good at maths?

An accountant!

 

How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?

Ten ants!